Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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