You did not just play the dead husband card again.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
