I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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