Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
