I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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