my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
