i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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