My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
