I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
