i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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