Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
