You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
