if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
