grandma shit on top of the toilet
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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