Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
