I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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