Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
