just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
