Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
