The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
