My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
