It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
