do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
