First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
