Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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