On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
