I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
