We named our party play list daddy issues
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
