I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
