I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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