The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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