didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
