Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Randomize
