im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
