Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
my liver is dry heaving
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
