maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
