Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
