This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
