I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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