I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
