I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
