im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
