I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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