omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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