There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
