I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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