I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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