i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
