I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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