I think my fart just growled at me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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