i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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