I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
